Sayings

If you don't have anything nice to say, start a blog.

My contribution to national security

For a long time, I have been looking for ways to make my contribution to national security. Thinking that I might help, I joined the Canadian Army. So one step in the right direction. However, I could not see any direct link between my army service and national security... It's not like I was actually out hunting terrorists or anything like that. Not yet, anyway.

It was not until I was flying from Vancouver to Montréal in the summer of 2006 that I got my first break. After passing through security approximately 5 times with a stick of gel deodorant, I added a tube of toothpaste, got caught red-handed and was I was able to contribute a stick of Gilette deodorant and a tube of toothpaste to the cause. Now, I know some people may say... "What can deodorant and toothpaste do for national security?" Very good question. I don't know the answer. However, I know there are some very smart people with very fancy titles and degrees that know the answer. They probably just can't tell us the answer, because its too secret or dangerous or something. Maybe the answer would blow up in our faces like a psycho tube of toothpaste.

I trust the security gurus who decided to collect all of our toothpaste and gel deodorant in one central secret location. Personally, I suspect that the whole issue has to do with improving hygiene conditions in Guantanamo Bay. The other possibility that I can think of is that the population in Canada needs to be more smelly with dirty teeth in order to ward off the terrorists. Think like a terrorist for a minute: You've got to choose between going on a subway with smelly, dirty breath people or clean, peachy breathed people someplace else. The answer is obvious to me.

A final option comes to mind. Perhaps the government has determined that if we collect up everybodies toothpaste and deodorant and give it to the dirty terrorists (and train them to use it), then the terrorists will be able to make more friends, be happier, fall in love with things other than suicide, and thus abandon their terrible terror-ness.

In the final analysis, any one of the three options I have surmised are plausible and even laudable. I don't need to know for sure. I trust big brother with my personal hygiene effects, and I'm very proud of my small contribution to national security.

Petting

Here is official proof from the G of Canada website that Prime Minister Harper is not evil incarnate.

The vetting of the petting is rather intense. Said one kitten who was denied access to the Harper pet programme: "The PMO staff were concerned that I can't prove who my father was... For all they know he could be a member of Al-Cata."

Some fat cats came cattily to the defence of the PMO pet programme... "Canadian cats are all equally petefitted by this programme." Said one cat who insisted that he only be identified as Bryan. "This programme is beginning to make up for 10 years of Liberal Party neglect of the cat community."

Support for the Harper government is not unanimous accross the cat community. Support drops dramatically in downtown areas, where cats largely ignore the new Tory cat policy. Support remains weak in inner-city Toronto and other dirty places.

The ongoing dog vs. cat debate has begun to swing in favour of the cats, even if polls continue to show that Canadians are divided on the issue. However, Mr. Harper insists he will not be swayed by polls. "These polls often include a preponderent sampling of dogs instead of cats." Further he added, "we will not govern according to polls, but rather according to the natural supremacy of cats over dogs. Besides, polls are for the dogs."

Despite his fondness for the fat cats, Mr. Harper has insisted on term limits and occasional elections for his cat collection at 24 Sussex. In the face of resistance from the Senate to its reform, Harper suggests that his stray cats might be a temporary solution. "The attendance record in the Senate would be much higher if I appointed some cats... as long as there is milk and food and a gold-plated pension."

Critics have accused Harper of currying favour with the cat community in order to secure a high profile job in the cat-sector after his government gig. They point out that Harper has consistently refused to tax the cat population, and has given them a free ride on most issues. The parliamentary cat-keeper Réné Chartrand, who keeps a house full of cats just behind the Lester Pearson statue on the west side of the Centre Block, has denied rumours that Harper is being groomed for his job. "Actually, this is not a job. It is just something that I've been doing for the past 20 years to keep out of trouble." Some local tourists have suggested that Harper might make a better cat-keeper than Prrrrime Minister. Given Harper's precarious minority and his propensity for cat-keeping, it is hard to dismiss such wild speculation as wild speculation.

Online Poll

Aren't online polls fun? Where else can you click a button and feel like people now know what you think? Using my superpowers of recollection and synthesization, here is a typical online poll on most newspaper websites:

Do you think that (insert complex problem) is going to get (insert wild speculation)?

- Definitely
- Yes
- Probably Definitely
- Probably
- I don't know, but I voted anyway to prove that I don't mind voicing my opinion on things I know absolutely nothing about.

In order to improve the methodology and therefore usefulness of online polls, I suggest the following possible answers to online poll questions.

Sample question:
Should Madonna have kissed Britanny Spears?

Sample answers:
- Definitely
- I'm sick for even caring.
- I'm pretending not to care, but Definitely.
- I am lying
- I exhibit multiple personalities, and therefore I am voting twice.
- This simplifying answer for a complex question does not permit me to intelligently comment on the issue.

I think with these methodological adjustments, the research value of the average online poll will be increased dramatically.

Dread

Dread is a feeling that is normally felt in the lower left side of the gut. It is a medical result of the desire not to do something, or face something. The most common prescription is a 12-pack of beer or a short walk off a long plank. Side effects include alcoholism and other forms of slow or quick death. Treatment is most successful when the dread is dealt with head on, and then future situations are avoided successfully.

I first met work-dread when I was a young lifeguard and swimming instructor. I was absolutely terrified of parents or supervisors criticising my swim lessons that I gave to the youngsters. I was also dreading getting in the water for 5 hours straight, constantly get in and out of the water and generally freezing in the cool air. I eventually conquered the dread, by becoming very comfortable giving lessons, and modifying my schedule as much as possible to avoid five hours of teaching in the water. I also took more and more lessons with the 4-year olds, the perfect age, the age of pure joy. I would resuscitate the four year old in me, and glory in the return to toddler simplicity. And then, the dread was dead.

I next acquired the dread syndrome when attending the Infantry School in Gagetown, N.B. This was a very particular type of dread. This was an "end of weekend" dread, that took over on Sunday afternoons, as we prepared to go out into the field for days on end with little sleep, little warmth and very much physical exertion. Of course, the dread feeling was compensated by a huge TGIF feeling when completing field exercices and going to Jungle Jim's for beer and nachos and falling asleep in the booth. Then we finished our course, and the dread was dead.

Now the dread is back. I know it's temporary. It's the dread before going into the field and working for 50 hours straight. It's the dread of not feeling entirely prepared for the responsibility that I have taken on, or accepted. (Not very different from the dread I had as a 16-year old who didn't prepare lesson plans for swimming lessons). The dread will subside, as I attack the source. The dread motivates me to defeat it and I'm sure that before long, the dread will be dead.

Reflections

I'm an expert at planning my life... and an amateur at planning my day.