My contribution to national security
For a long time, I have been looking for ways to make my contribution to national security. Thinking that I might help, I joined the Canadian Army. So one step in the right direction. However, I could not see any direct link between my army service and national security... It's not like I was actually out hunting terrorists or anything like that. Not yet, anyway.
It was not until I was flying from Vancouver to Montréal in the summer of 2006 that I got my first break. After passing through security approximately 5 times with a stick of gel deodorant, I added a tube of toothpaste, got caught red-handed and was I was able to contribute a stick of Gilette deodorant and a tube of toothpaste to the cause. Now, I know some people may say... "What can deodorant and toothpaste do for national security?" Very good question. I don't know the answer. However, I know there are some very smart people with very fancy titles and degrees that know the answer. They probably just can't tell us the answer, because its too secret or dangerous or something. Maybe the answer would blow up in our faces like a psycho tube of toothpaste.
I trust the security gurus who decided to collect all of our toothpaste and gel deodorant in one central secret location. Personally, I suspect that the whole issue has to do with improving hygiene conditions in Guantanamo Bay. The other possibility that I can think of is that the population in Canada needs to be more smelly with dirty teeth in order to ward off the terrorists. Think like a terrorist for a minute: You've got to choose between going on a subway with smelly, dirty breath people or clean, peachy breathed people someplace else. The answer is obvious to me.
A final option comes to mind. Perhaps the government has determined that if we collect up everybodies toothpaste and deodorant and give it to the dirty terrorists (and train them to use it), then the terrorists will be able to make more friends, be happier, fall in love with things other than suicide, and thus abandon their terrible terror-ness.
In the final analysis, any one of the three options I have surmised are plausible and even laudable. I don't need to know for sure. I trust big brother with my personal hygiene effects, and I'm very proud of my small contribution to national security.
It was not until I was flying from Vancouver to Montréal in the summer of 2006 that I got my first break. After passing through security approximately 5 times with a stick of gel deodorant, I added a tube of toothpaste, got caught red-handed and was I was able to contribute a stick of Gilette deodorant and a tube of toothpaste to the cause. Now, I know some people may say... "What can deodorant and toothpaste do for national security?" Very good question. I don't know the answer. However, I know there are some very smart people with very fancy titles and degrees that know the answer. They probably just can't tell us the answer, because its too secret or dangerous or something. Maybe the answer would blow up in our faces like a psycho tube of toothpaste.
I trust the security gurus who decided to collect all of our toothpaste and gel deodorant in one central secret location. Personally, I suspect that the whole issue has to do with improving hygiene conditions in Guantanamo Bay. The other possibility that I can think of is that the population in Canada needs to be more smelly with dirty teeth in order to ward off the terrorists. Think like a terrorist for a minute: You've got to choose between going on a subway with smelly, dirty breath people or clean, peachy breathed people someplace else. The answer is obvious to me.
A final option comes to mind. Perhaps the government has determined that if we collect up everybodies toothpaste and deodorant and give it to the dirty terrorists (and train them to use it), then the terrorists will be able to make more friends, be happier, fall in love with things other than suicide, and thus abandon their terrible terror-ness.
In the final analysis, any one of the three options I have surmised are plausible and even laudable. I don't need to know for sure. I trust big brother with my personal hygiene effects, and I'm very proud of my small contribution to national security.
posted by Lt Smash at 2:12 PM
1 Comments:
Too bad you didn't come up with these terrific ideas before the UN voted on a new global terrorism strategy (http://www.un.org/apps/news/story.asp?NewsID=19776&Cr=terror&Cr1=). Maybe it's not too late! I'll speak with my supervisors on Monday and see if there's interest among Member States for an "Outreach" program for terrorists to convert to Catholicism in exchange for toothpaste and Gilette deodorant.
It should at least have the support of certain Unmentionable StAtes.
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