The First Trial of Jonathan H. (Part I)
In true Alice in Wonderland fashion, this trial shall be carried out with first the sentence, then the verdict, then the charges.
Jonathan H., you are sentenced to 40 minutes on the treadmill listening to Abba. A gasp reverbrates through the courtroom, journalists run for the doors, and the defendant hangs his head in resignation.
Will the jury please read the verdict? asked the judge.
On the charge of eating 3/4 of a raspberry cake for supper, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty. On the charge of failing to provide the necessities of vegetable and other food groups for supper, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty. On the charge of reckless procrastination, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty.
The trial:
The judge lifted the gavel and slammed it down with caprice. "This trial is now in session in the matter of Finders vs. Keepers...."
The prosecutor stammered an objection. "Um, your honor, that's from a Simpson's episode."
The judge looked embarassed. He recovered quickly and pulled out his notes. "Ah yes, this is the matter of the raspberry cake. Read the charges."
"In the matter of the Canada Food Guide vs. Jonathan H., the defendant is accused of wantonly eating 3/4 of a raspberry cake for dinner, with no vegetables, meat or meat-look-alike products, while procrastinating recklessly his POL 65680 case study work" read the Bailiff solemnly.
"Would the defendant please rise," asked the Judge without asking. "How do you plead?"
"I plead not guilty to all charges, by reason of deliciousness" said the defendant with shamed whisper.
"Your honour, not guilty by reason of deliciousness is only allowable in cases of chocolate excess. This plea cannot be allowed," objected the Persecutor.
"Your honour, if I may, the plea not guilty by reason of deliciousness has been allowed in the case of chocolate. We intend to prove that raspberry cake is no less delicious than chocolate case, and thus must be allowed as a defence in this instance. We intend to call expert witnesses to testify to the awesome power of raspberry goodness." The defence attorney pulled out his raspberry cake exhibit, a series of puddings, bars, fresh fruits and other likewise delicious evidence.
"Your honour, I object to the prejudicing of the jury by such displays of allegedly delicious material." The persecutor sat down.
"This is a highly unusual turn of events, and I'm afraid that I have a conflict of interest in this matter. You see, my wife and I use raspberry flavoured..." The judge's voice trailed off. "I'm afraid I will have to recuse myself."
"Your honour, there is no need for you to recuse yourself. Let he who is without raspberry cast the first stone. I myself have dabbled in the substance. No, at issue here is whether the defendant wantonly disregarded his Canada Food Guide obligations and procrastinated recklessly. Furthermore, a plea of not guilty by reason of deliciousness would be stipulated by the persecution if the defense can show that raspberry is as delicious as chocolate."
"Your honour, if I may, and I assume that I may, because I mayed just a few minutes ago and nobody minded, I propose to allow the persecution to discover our delicious evidence in recess," said the defense attorney.
To be continued...
Jonathan H., you are sentenced to 40 minutes on the treadmill listening to Abba. A gasp reverbrates through the courtroom, journalists run for the doors, and the defendant hangs his head in resignation.
Will the jury please read the verdict? asked the judge.
On the charge of eating 3/4 of a raspberry cake for supper, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty. On the charge of failing to provide the necessities of vegetable and other food groups for supper, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty. On the charge of reckless procrastination, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty.
The trial:
The judge lifted the gavel and slammed it down with caprice. "This trial is now in session in the matter of Finders vs. Keepers...."
The prosecutor stammered an objection. "Um, your honor, that's from a Simpson's episode."
The judge looked embarassed. He recovered quickly and pulled out his notes. "Ah yes, this is the matter of the raspberry cake. Read the charges."
"In the matter of the Canada Food Guide vs. Jonathan H., the defendant is accused of wantonly eating 3/4 of a raspberry cake for dinner, with no vegetables, meat or meat-look-alike products, while procrastinating recklessly his POL 65680 case study work" read the Bailiff solemnly.
"Would the defendant please rise," asked the Judge without asking. "How do you plead?"
"I plead not guilty to all charges, by reason of deliciousness" said the defendant with shamed whisper.
"Your honour, not guilty by reason of deliciousness is only allowable in cases of chocolate excess. This plea cannot be allowed," objected the Persecutor.
"Your honour, if I may, the plea not guilty by reason of deliciousness has been allowed in the case of chocolate. We intend to prove that raspberry cake is no less delicious than chocolate case, and thus must be allowed as a defence in this instance. We intend to call expert witnesses to testify to the awesome power of raspberry goodness." The defence attorney pulled out his raspberry cake exhibit, a series of puddings, bars, fresh fruits and other likewise delicious evidence.
"Your honour, I object to the prejudicing of the jury by such displays of allegedly delicious material." The persecutor sat down.
"This is a highly unusual turn of events, and I'm afraid that I have a conflict of interest in this matter. You see, my wife and I use raspberry flavoured..." The judge's voice trailed off. "I'm afraid I will have to recuse myself."
"Your honour, there is no need for you to recuse yourself. Let he who is without raspberry cast the first stone. I myself have dabbled in the substance. No, at issue here is whether the defendant wantonly disregarded his Canada Food Guide obligations and procrastinated recklessly. Furthermore, a plea of not guilty by reason of deliciousness would be stipulated by the persecution if the defense can show that raspberry is as delicious as chocolate."
"Your honour, if I may, and I assume that I may, because I mayed just a few minutes ago and nobody minded, I propose to allow the persecution to discover our delicious evidence in recess," said the defense attorney.
To be continued...
posted by Lt Smash at 7:10 PM
2 Comments:
Part II will appear after the essay is in I hope! - unsigned by you-know-who.
(BTW, blueberries will have to have equal treatment - they are just as yummy as raspberries.)
Mmm ... raspberries. Not the only 'fruit' on trial, I see.
In the event that you require a character witness, please no not hesitate to ring me up. As a Subject Matter Expert on 'delicious' with more than 25 years experience in the field, I would be happy to avail myself ... of myself ... particularly if there are free samples involved ...
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