Wikipedia Principle (II)

I have run into a problem. My reliance on Wikipedia for answers to all of my questions, has run into a snag.

Here is the Wikipedia explanation of the use of XOXO as communicative short-form:

"Hugs and Kisses is a term for a sequence of the letters X and O, e.g. XOXO, typically used to express affection or good friendship at the end of a written letter or email.

It is debatable which letter represents which act. Some interpret X as the crossed arms of a hug and O as the puckered lips of a kiss. However, the interpretation assumed in the following, in which X represents the four lips of a kiss and O the four arms of a hug, is more common. For example the Oxford English Dictionary states that X is "used to represent a kiss, esp. in the subscription to a letter."

But in more conventional modern language, the X is most often referred to as a Hug denoted by the way it resembles the form a hug when viewing the hugger. One also notices the similar resemblance of puckered lips to the O which denotes a kiss.

Additionally, there is a more simple interpretation, based on the pronunciation of the letters X (sounds like 'kiss') and O (sounds like 'hold', as in 'I hold you')."

So you can understand my confusion: Is X the hug or the kiss? Ditto for O. I need some guidance, and my faith in Wikipedia is faltering...

The First Trial of Jonathan H. (Part I)

In true Alice in Wonderland fashion, this trial shall be carried out with first the sentence, then the verdict, then the charges.

Jonathan H., you are sentenced to 40 minutes on the treadmill listening to Abba. A gasp reverbrates through the courtroom, journalists run for the doors, and the defendant hangs his head in resignation.

Will the jury please read the verdict? asked the judge.

On the charge of eating 3/4 of a raspberry cake for supper, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty. On the charge of failing to provide the necessities of vegetable and other food groups for supper, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty. On the charge of reckless procrastination, we the jury find Jonathan H. guilty.

The trial:

The judge lifted the gavel and slammed it down with caprice. "This trial is now in session in the matter of Finders vs. Keepers...."

The prosecutor stammered an objection. "Um, your honor, that's from a Simpson's episode."

The judge looked embarassed. He recovered quickly and pulled out his notes. "Ah yes, this is the matter of the raspberry cake. Read the charges."

"In the matter of the Canada Food Guide vs. Jonathan H., the defendant is accused of wantonly eating 3/4 of a raspberry cake for dinner, with no vegetables, meat or meat-look-alike products, while procrastinating recklessly his POL 65680 case study work" read the Bailiff solemnly.

"Would the defendant please rise," asked the Judge without asking. "How do you plead?"

"I plead not guilty to all charges, by reason of deliciousness" said the defendant with shamed whisper.

"Your honour, not guilty by reason of deliciousness is only allowable in cases of chocolate excess. This plea cannot be allowed," objected the Persecutor.

"Your honour, if I may, the plea not guilty by reason of deliciousness has been allowed in the case of chocolate. We intend to prove that raspberry cake is no less delicious than chocolate case, and thus must be allowed as a defence in this instance. We intend to call expert witnesses to testify to the awesome power of raspberry goodness." The defence attorney pulled out his raspberry cake exhibit, a series of puddings, bars, fresh fruits and other likewise delicious evidence.

"Your honour, I object to the prejudicing of the jury by such displays of allegedly delicious material." The persecutor sat down.

"This is a highly unusual turn of events, and I'm afraid that I have a conflict of interest in this matter. You see, my wife and I use raspberry flavoured..." The judge's voice trailed off. "I'm afraid I will have to recuse myself."

"Your honour, there is no need for you to recuse yourself. Let he who is without raspberry cast the first stone. I myself have dabbled in the substance. No, at issue here is whether the defendant wantonly disregarded his Canada Food Guide obligations and procrastinated recklessly. Furthermore, a plea of not guilty by reason of deliciousness would be stipulated by the persecution if the defense can show that raspberry is as delicious as chocolate."

"Your honour, if I may, and I assume that I may, because I mayed just a few minutes ago and nobody minded, I propose to allow the persecution to discover our delicious evidence in recess," said the defense attorney.

To be continued...

Maiden Speech of an Honest Politician

Here is the perfect maiden speech for the honest politician:

Friends, I thank you for coming here today to listen to me speak about things of utter inconsequence. These self-less acts on your part will inspire me as I move forward in the egoist world of political advancement.

I am here today to reassure you that I disavow all of the strongly held beliefs that I formerly espoused. Those beliefs were honestly held, constructed through years of thought and experience. But they will no longer serve me where I am going, and they would only hinder my ability to parrot the party leadership and bend to the will of prevailing majorities. I promise to replace those passé beliefs with all things popular and unobjectionable. My greatest gift will be to tolerate the intolerable, justify without justice and bend inflexibly.

I must mention very briefly the issue of skeletons in my closet. I assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that the skeletons in my closet are there of their own volition. I would not have placed anyone in my closet that did not want to be there in the first place. In fact, if my skeletons could talk, they would tell you some very delightful tales of things that happened in the closet. Furthermore, the skeletons in my closet are no less than the skeletons in my esteemed opponents closet. Moreover, the skeletons that I have in my closet are no match for the skeletons that I will undoubtedly accumulate during my honest political career. As such, they will pass into insignificance with the inevitable march of time. The state has no business in the closets of the nation.

Many of you are perhaps wondering what, if anything, I can contribute to public life. Let me be perfectly clear. My contribution will be greater than or equal to the sum of the press releases I issue and multiplied and divided by the number of pictures of me with more powerful people. In other words, while my contribution will be minimal, I will make a great deal of sound and fury. Thus, you will at least be reminded of my existence via monthly householder mailings and various media representations.

Let me reassure that I am an ordinary fellow just like you. That is why I wish to rise in the socio-economic ladder, so that I may one day far surpass all of you. However, I promise to hide carefully my ambitious designs, wear the mantle of populist leadership, and propound the cause of the little guy with all of my political staff.

Lastly, let me remind you of the difference between myself and my opponent. There is no difference save this: I am honest.

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We shall never hear this speech delivered. Pity.

On The Tyranny of Facebook Frenzy

The Facebook phenomenon is beginning to catch on, somewhat like wildfire, in my social circle. I'm watching as friend after friend joins the wave and puts their life on display to their friends online. The potential for keeping in touch with friends is limitless, networking is quite easy, and you can find that sweatheart from grade 5 that you never dared to talk to...

As I am occasionally wont to do, I must raise some caveats about the Facebook phenomenon. There are some people who are willing to put an incredible amount of information about themselves online. Let me just point out a few risks:

1. Your girlfriends might get to know one another.

2. You could go on a first date with someone who knows everything about you (if they did their Facebook homework).

3. All your break-ups can be public e-spectacles.

4. Your friends can hit on your younger sister.

5. Your younger sister can hit on your friends.

6. There is no polite way to unhook friends. In the old days of telephone, you just didn't call back, or you were "busy".

7. Your exes can find each other, bond, form a hate group, or a class action lawsuit. (Ditto for illegitimate and unclaimed offspring).

8. People can write the stupidest things on your wall.

9. People can write things like : "We met randomly in the sauna."

10. Everytime you clip your toenails, a message goes out to everyone letting them know that YES, you are clipping your toenails.

For all these reasons and more, I believe that we must beware what we feed this beast. I too am mesmerized by the possibilities, and the 2 degrees of separation that everyone has with each other in this big country. In sum, I will continue to walk the fine line between openness and exhibitionism.

Azerbaijan, Azerbaijan!

If you were looking to pick a fight with a small country on the Caspian Sea, nestled snugly between Russia and Iran, I would recommend against antagonizing Azerbaijan. They are a nation of warriors. As evidence of this, I offer the English translation of their national anthem :

Azerbaijan, Azerbaijan!
You are the country of heroes!
We will die so that you might be alive!
We will shed our blood to defend you!
Long live your three-colored banner!
Thousands of people sacrificed their lives
You're become the field of battles.
Every soldier fighting for you,
Has become a hero.
We pray for your prosperity,
We make sacrifice our lives to you
Our sincere love to you,
Comes from the bottom of our hearts.
To defend your honor,
To hoist your banner,
All the young people are ready.
Glorious motherland,
Azerbaijan, Azerbaijan!

I think that if I was a tiny country located strategically on a major sea between two major powers, I would make a lot of noise, eat a lot of garlic and I probably wouldn't wear any deodorant.