Maiden Speech of an Honest Politician
Here is the perfect maiden speech for the honest politician:
Friends, I thank you for coming here today to listen to me speak about things of utter inconsequence. These self-less acts on your part will inspire me as I move forward in the egoist world of political advancement.
I am here today to reassure you that I disavow all of the strongly held beliefs that I formerly espoused. Those beliefs were honestly held, constructed through years of thought and experience. But they will no longer serve me where I am going, and they would only hinder my ability to parrot the party leadership and bend to the will of prevailing majorities. I promise to replace those passé beliefs with all things popular and unobjectionable. My greatest gift will be to tolerate the intolerable, justify without justice and bend inflexibly.
I must mention very briefly the issue of skeletons in my closet. I assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that the skeletons in my closet are there of their own volition. I would not have placed anyone in my closet that did not want to be there in the first place. In fact, if my skeletons could talk, they would tell you some very delightful tales of things that happened in the closet. Furthermore, the skeletons in my closet are no less than the skeletons in my esteemed opponents closet. Moreover, the skeletons that I have in my closet are no match for the skeletons that I will undoubtedly accumulate during my honest political career. As such, they will pass into insignificance with the inevitable march of time. The state has no business in the closets of the nation.
Many of you are perhaps wondering what, if anything, I can contribute to public life. Let me be perfectly clear. My contribution will be greater than or equal to the sum of the press releases I issue and multiplied and divided by the number of pictures of me with more powerful people. In other words, while my contribution will be minimal, I will make a great deal of sound and fury. Thus, you will at least be reminded of my existence via monthly householder mailings and various media representations.
Let me reassure that I am an ordinary fellow just like you. That is why I wish to rise in the socio-economic ladder, so that I may one day far surpass all of you. However, I promise to hide carefully my ambitious designs, wear the mantle of populist leadership, and propound the cause of the little guy with all of my political staff.
Lastly, let me remind you of the difference between myself and my opponent. There is no difference save this: I am honest.
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We shall never hear this speech delivered. Pity.
Friends, I thank you for coming here today to listen to me speak about things of utter inconsequence. These self-less acts on your part will inspire me as I move forward in the egoist world of political advancement.
I am here today to reassure you that I disavow all of the strongly held beliefs that I formerly espoused. Those beliefs were honestly held, constructed through years of thought and experience. But they will no longer serve me where I am going, and they would only hinder my ability to parrot the party leadership and bend to the will of prevailing majorities. I promise to replace those passé beliefs with all things popular and unobjectionable. My greatest gift will be to tolerate the intolerable, justify without justice and bend inflexibly.
I must mention very briefly the issue of skeletons in my closet. I assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that the skeletons in my closet are there of their own volition. I would not have placed anyone in my closet that did not want to be there in the first place. In fact, if my skeletons could talk, they would tell you some very delightful tales of things that happened in the closet. Furthermore, the skeletons in my closet are no less than the skeletons in my esteemed opponents closet. Moreover, the skeletons that I have in my closet are no match for the skeletons that I will undoubtedly accumulate during my honest political career. As such, they will pass into insignificance with the inevitable march of time. The state has no business in the closets of the nation.
Many of you are perhaps wondering what, if anything, I can contribute to public life. Let me be perfectly clear. My contribution will be greater than or equal to the sum of the press releases I issue and multiplied and divided by the number of pictures of me with more powerful people. In other words, while my contribution will be minimal, I will make a great deal of sound and fury. Thus, you will at least be reminded of my existence via monthly householder mailings and various media representations.
Let me reassure that I am an ordinary fellow just like you. That is why I wish to rise in the socio-economic ladder, so that I may one day far surpass all of you. However, I promise to hide carefully my ambitious designs, wear the mantle of populist leadership, and propound the cause of the little guy with all of my political staff.
Lastly, let me remind you of the difference between myself and my opponent. There is no difference save this: I am honest.
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We shall never hear this speech delivered. Pity.
posted by Lt Smash at 4:05 PM
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